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How I long for the days when my Christmas shopping list consisted of routine items such as Kermit the Frog bedroom slippers and a stuffed toy dog that, when you squeezed its Yves Saint Laurent Handbags ears, played a recording of dogs barking "Jingle Bells."

Ah, those were the good old days. Those were easy-to-find items (even Kermit slippers in men's size 11) and required just a single trip to the mall. In one day my holiday shopping was finished, and that left all of December for really important seasonal activities, like buying shoes for myself.

But my two primary gift receivers, my husband and child, have grown picky. Now they request gifts that are hard to find or are simply so ridiculous that I refuse to buy them.

For example, the 14-year-old, after having watched some silly ghostbusters television show, has announced that for Christmas, she would like a "ghost detector." Yes, what a useful and educational gift my child has chosen! In years past, I could rationalize purchasing the toys she asked for, even that talking Amanda doll that made potty noises similar to the grunting sounds of a Sumo wrestler occupying an airplane lavatory.

But this year's wish list is topped by a catalog gadget that advertises itself to be the "preferred unit of paranormal investigators everywhere."

Gee, why not ask for a tooth fairy finder or a unicorn trap?

And it's not just any old ghost detector, mind you. No sireee. She has set her heart's desire on a $135 rip-off, er, I mean, "unit preferred by paranormal investigators."

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I didn't even bother to read the catalog page which she circled with red highlighter and taped to the refrigerator door.

"Might as well take $135 (plus shipping and handling) and flush it down the toilet," I said. "Why don't you ask for something useful? Like one of those robot hamsters. ..."

My husband agrees there is no way Santa will bring a ghost detector, particularly one that costs as much as a month's worth of reindeer feed. But instead of telling the teenager a flat-out "no," like I did, he had to be Mr. Science. He went into a 15-minute dissertation, describing how the gadget works and explaining its operational shortcomings.

"The unit detects electromagnetic fields," he said. "The only thing it will detect is whether we have a leaky microwave. ..."

Satisfied that his scientific explanation had thwarted her ghost- hunting fantasy, he smiled and said, "Now, what else would you like for Christmas?"

"Nothing," she retorted. "This is the only thing I want."

So, since science didn't work, he fell back on good ol' parental logic.

"There aren't any ghosts in our house, honey."

(Whew! Well, that's a relief. ...)

Alas, my beloved husband's holiday gift list is no better. It features a single item: a sweatshirt, color green, size medium- tall. (Tall, so the sleeves are long enough.)

Crusaders searching for the Holy Grail had it easier. There are no green, size medium-tall, sweatshirts in Central Illinois, or the entire universe, for that matter.

I did find one that matched the size requirement, but it had a smiley face with vampire teeth on the front and a slogan that read, "Bite me."

Uhhh, I d
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